I debated writing this post. I’ve actually debated taking a social media hiatus until January 2018. Why? I had a miscarriage. And everything online seems to remind me of babies, babies, and more babies. But because this is a space where I take so much comfort in sharing with each of my readers, friends, and family, that I felt it only right to jot a few sentences down and share why and more WHY I’ve been less than active the past few weeks, and more about my experience as Mom. AND I’ve felt so much comfort in sharing with other women who have been through similar experiences, it only feels natural to be an olive branch to those who also have felt loss and sorrow through a miscarriage.
Like many of you with your husbands or wives, you talk about goals, dreams, and aspirations for your family. We have always talked about having 4 children, thinking that number works for our family and our day to day life. So, when I had a positive pregnancy test a few weeks ago I couldn’t have felt more pleased with our “plan.” But looking back, my initial reaction was more focused on thoughts like, “will we ever take a solo vacation again?”, “can we afford to send our kids to Catholic school?”, “will I ever fit into those pre-pregnancy jeans?”. Needless to say, I was dramatic, and focusing so much on me.
Fast forward two weeks, lots of spotting and bleeding, and two ultrasounds later. The doctor’s determined my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. A chromosomal abnormality that resulted in a failed pregnancy. I opted for a D&C, and to be frank, am still working through so many of the postpartum emotions that come along with it. Ironically enough, I NEVER felt anxiety or worry when I was pregnant with Joey, Anthony, or Lily. I knew something wasn’t right from the start of this pregnancy. Mother’s intuition?! Who knows.
This experience, the 3 longest weeks of my life, has taught me so much about my faith and about my family. When I sat in pre-op talking to my doctor and the nurses before the D&C, I cried and cried for those women who have to go home to an empty house. I am lucky enough to come home to 3 crazy toddlers. Did it make it that much easier? Nope. But it made me refocus. And turn my energy towards the positive and blessings I have to look forward to every day.
Do we still think 4 is our magic number? Yes. And in fact, this miscarriage has made that even more clear for Ted and I. But I can also tell you we are taking our time in getting to the 4 mark, and focusing more on the here and now. The present. And God’s great plan for our family. And maybe his plan isn’t 4 for us. All I know is I’m trusting in this process and my faith to guide us to the right decision. And no, that decision isn’t a dog 😉
I’m sharing my story today because I’ve found SO much comfort in talking with other women who have gone through similar situations. And who have had positive or negative outcomes from other pregnancies. Sometimes mom-tribes make me roll my eyes or wish I had xyz, but other times, my mom-tribe picks me up and makes me feel more loved and appreciated than any other group. I have no idea how to end this post, other than to say thank you to Ted, the doctors and nurses at Beaumont Hospital and Generations OB-GYN, and the friends who I have texted countless times looking for words of encouragement or shoulders to cry on. We WILL be ok. And HE has one great life caring for all those sweet babies in heaven.