A friend and old colleague from my BEEF days [remember when I was a registered dietitian nutritionist for the beef industry?! So fun and tasty!] and I have been texting off and on the past few days, and the topic of recovery came up. I hesitate at times to share my recovery journey because as my sober journey started in 2019, I spent the better part of last year in and out of rehab, continuing the cycle of hiding my use, and getting some good chunks of sober days and weeks when I could. It’s not that I’m embarrassed I’ve struggled with staying sober, it’s just that right NOW, at this moment in time, I’m doing really, really well. And knock on wood, I don’t want anything to change that.
But here’s the thing she reminded me of, and my recovery meetings remind me of: what if YOU aren’t doing well? What if YOU need support, a glimmer of hope, a hand to reach out to? What if YOU can’t pick up the phone, but can send an email or Facebook or Instagram message looking for a listening ear, someone who gets it? I’ve struggled for YEARS to pinpoint my life’s purpose, and while yes, my purpose includes motherhood [I would hope- there’s 4 little Serbinski’s I love more than anything and am lucky enough to have call me Mom], I truly believe God’s purpose for me is to be THAT person, that friend, that one you or anyone in my life can reach out to for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because let’s face it: addiction is ugly. But recovery can be a beautiful thing.
So yeah, I’m doing ok. More than ok. The urge and obsession to drink is NOT with me like it had been in the past. I’m working a strong program of recovery with the help of others [Serbinski clan included], I’m still attending recovery meetings daily with the help of platforms like Zoom, and I’m reaching out when I need help.* What’s crazy to me is that an event or pandemic like COVID-19 would be the perfect excuse for me to drink. But it’s never been a big event or situation that’s “triggered” me into wanting to use. It was the random Tuesday’s when all seemed normal or to go as planned that really set me over the edge.
*Help hasn’t necessarily ever looked like, “help, I’m going to drink!” for me. It’s been needing help to calm my mind, my anxiety, my worries about the day-to-day, things I would drink over or at. Now I know when I isolate and don’t ask for help, I’m closing off to the love and support YOU might want to share with someone just like I so often want to do myself.
What can you do to help or support me? Cue the cheesy Golden Girls theme song. Just thank you for being my friend. For loving my children as your own. For coming back for seconds to this blog. And most importantly, for not judging. I never imagined addiction is where my life would take me, but I’m grateful every day to wake up sober, and hit the pillow sober, because I know I’m living the way God intended my life to be. One day at a time.